The Secret to Hot Monogamy

Red Hot Mommas and Red Hot Daddies aren’t always, well.. um..RED HOT.  It happens. To the best of us. Work, stress, money, lack of money, bills, extended family issues and children- they all can culminate in a complete theft of ones libido. Or worse yet, the loss of both libidos. 

No one sees it coming.  It just happens.  Slowly.  Insidiously.  We get too tired or mad to keep making much of an effort anymore.  Tragedy strikes or an extended illness sets up shop in your home.  Surviving takes precidence over romance.  If this is where you are at in your marriage I say to you, “Welcome Friend! You are normal. It happens.  Now do something about it.”   

Before you haul out the Victoria’s Secret catalog, I want to tell you something.  Lingerie won’t work.  In fact you could both wear it at the same time, if that is how you roll.  No judgement. It still won’t work.  It might seem to for a while, but it’s just a quick fix.  Not a cure. Quicker than you can max out your credit card- you’re back in the same boring boat.

So what is the secret to staying HOT?  Ready?  Brace yourselves!  The secret to an incredible sex life is…PRAYER!  Wait a minute!  Who groaned?   I am serious.  In fact I am not only a member of the Bedroom Prayer Club- I am also a customer!  (Just a little Hair Club for Men Joke)  So are my friends!

I have seen first hand the power of prayer turn friends marriages from “roomate” status to “Honeymooners” almost over night.  Issues that couples had struggled with a few months, some even for many years, were no match for the earnest prayer of spouses.  In fact, usually it was only one spouse who was willing to put their marriage into God’s hands.  Marriages that were once teetering on the brink of divorce have become passionate and functional. 

I know some of you out there are a little bit freaked out right now.  It’s okay.  Breathe.  God loves you.  Every single part of you.  There is nothing going on in your life or bed that he doesn’t care about.  I mean, HE knows what you need better than you do.  Trust HIM with this area of your life too.  You have nothing to loose.  Everything to gain.

Don’t ask, don’t tell?

While discussing some friends’ marital woes recently, this Red Hot Momma found that there is appears to be a wide gender gap regarding adultery.  More specifically, the aftermath.  The Mr. and I were out running errands when the marital woes of some acquaintancescame up.  They were in the process of a messy split over an affair.  Although, I personally believe that an affair is the result of a marriage that is already suffering, there is no denying the seal-the-deal nature of straying. His one time infidelity, and subsequent confession, had plunged his entire family into turmoil. Divorce seems imminent.

This dear reader is the part where you start to squirm.  While listening to the Mr. describe the misery of the entire family, I said if an affair is over and done, maybe it would be best if the cheated spouse never knew.  I was thinking of the poor soul who was unaware that the marriage bed had been soiled, so to speak.  I talked of sparing the loved one pain and living with the bone crushing guilt in silence.  Vowing and becoming a better spouse with a renewed marriage.  Happily ever after.

 Not so for Mr. Red Hot.  He nearly drove right off the road while listening to my meandering justification of keeping mum on an infidelity.  Even after adding the following caveats:

1.  Must have been a one time encounter.

2.  Must have been purely physical.  No “But I was in love!” business.

3.  Must not have been public knowledge. 

4.  Must not have resulted in creation of human life.

5.  Must have ended amicably and most important, mutually.

6.  I couldn’t think of anymore.  However, I reserved the right to add in defense of argument.

Mr. Red Hot was furious.  A state he rarely attains without my help. 🙂  He began a rapid fire assassination of my feeble reasons for not sharing.  This was vital information I was withholding here.  (“Hypothetically!” I interjected.)  Of course, one would tell. There was no choice.  Fess up.  Pay for play.  If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime and lot’s of other tired cliches.  Point taken.  Adultery is a deal breaker.

Now before you leave the computer to go hunt for stones to throw, I would like to remind everyone that this was an offhand comment made while chewing gum and looking out the window sale signs on storefronts.  (Thinking before I speak is not exactly this Hot Momma’s strong suit.)  Still, the voracity of Mr. Red Hot’s condemnation surprised me.  So, I am going to open up a can of worms here by asking for your takes on withholding information about an affair.

A few ground rules:  Adultery is bad.  Don’t even try to defend it because I will just delete those comments. After all this is my blog. 🙂   Don’t personally attack anyone.  It’s just for fun.

Let’s start over

Red Hot Momma’s try to be good.  They really do.  Sometimes it just doesn’t turn out the way we intended… For instance, Mr. Red Hot comes home in a bad mood.  Let’s say he got mugged or worse a new, younger boss that is anything but fair.  Mrs. Red Hot decides that if Mr. Red Hot wants to feel better he must TALK about it.  (Did I hear a collective groan?) Not just talk about it, cry too.  Right now. 

Ugh.  Mr. Red Hot doesn’t want to talk about it.  He wants to punch something…or someone.  Right now.  Mrs. Red Hot persists; “How does that make you feel, Dear”.  Mr. Red Hot has had enough.  Mr. Red Hot is becoming..well…red hot..mad.  Mrs. Red Hot senses that her efforts to make the Mister feel better have gone wrong.  Horribly, horribly wrong. The young Red Hot Momma’s among us might find themselves feeling angry now too. Angry at Mr. Red Hot. Hurt feelings and hurt pride really want to take over and have a hissy fit. So now everyone is angry and no one is going to bed happy.  At this point in the conversation, in the marriage, it is best to start over.  Literally. 

 This Red Hot Momma learned a nifty little trick a few years back that has changed my life.  Not to mention my marriage.  When things are going downhill quick.  When every attempt to reach out to your partner is failing.  Miserably.  Someone needs to call a “Let’s start over”.  It’ s like a adult time out. 

“Let’s Start Over” means the following.  “Wow.  How did this happen?  I couldn’t wait to get home to you today.  Now, I’m checkin’ out Expedia for a one way ticket to Aruba.  Let’s step back for a second.  We are on the same team here.  I love you.  You love me.  Let’s try this again.” 

Depending on the severity of the situation, one may have to start over all the way back five p.m., even though it’s 9:45.  It can be hard to keep a straight face while greeting your spouse after you have been screaming or ignoring one another for the last four hours.  Try it.  Start over.  “How are you sweetie?” “Fine.  And you?”  “Well, I had a really crappy day, but it’s over now.”  “If you want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”  “Thanks.” 

It feels forced at first.  Ridiculously so.  Give it time.  Go with the flow.  Pray for a change of heart.  (Notice I didn’t say for which one of you :)) Pretty soon, things will start turning around.  If by nothing more than the sheer absurdity of what you are doing. 

LSO’s come with some ground rules.  You cannot use a LSO to avoid serious problems. Or in a passive aggressive way, like “Your mother is from hell!  Let’s have a time out..”.  They can’t be used to often either.  LSO’s are like a spare tire in the trunk of your marriage.  They are good for the occasional blow out, but you don’t want to drive on them everyday.

An Open letter to new gym members

Hi.  You don’t know me and I don’t know you.  Still, I have been watching you. 

Not in a creepy way!  Just noticing you and praying for you.  See, I know how hard it is to walk into a gym.  Everybody looks like the cover models for Men’s Health or Women’s Fitness.  TTTH.  Tanned. Toned. Totally hot.  It is enough to make even the most confident among us hide in the locker room.

I am going to tell you a secret. The hardest part of working out is wading through the masses of beautiful people.  A word of caution- don’t gaze upon their beauty to long.  You might start feeling inferior.  Just hold your head up high.  Look straight ahead and walk to the machine you have chosen. 

Ask for help when you need it.  You actually draw more attention to yourself trying to wing it on your own.  In the off chance that you fall off the rowing machine, just remember to laugh.  Roll over.  Get back up and try it again. Next time use those foot straps.  That is what they are for. 

Some folks might be snotty. Hostile even.  As though you are Satan himself because you are on “their” treadmill.  People get weird about that kind of thing.  They spend a lot of time on a machine.  Sweating, praying. A kind of relationship develops. The person wants it to be exclusive, not realizing the machine is just doing it’s job.  Nothing personal.  So when Mr. Biceps or Miss Ab’s see you on “their” machine, it is only natural they feel irritated. Don’t take it personally. In a few months from now you may be having a one-sided relationship of your own.

Stop pulling on your clothes dear.  It makes you stand out.  Wear clothes that fit.  Not clothes you wish would fit.  Trust me.  You will feel better if you can move in your pants.  Same with shirt.  A misguided error of those who weigh more than average is that by wearing form fitting clothing one looks smaller.  It’s a myth.  I know.  🙂  Pick nice clothes that are flattering on you.  Not the “Biggest Loser Fantasy” you.

Remember, it isn’t high school.  It’s a gym.  You are there to work out.  Not to be “seen”.  No one is looking at you.  They are busy.  Working out and worrying if someone is looking at them.  🙂

Don’t be a hater.  Yes there are incredible humans crawling all over the gym.  Gorgeous.  A few were born with it.  Most have worked for it.  Be happy for them.  If you can’t be gracious on your own, pray for God to help you. 

Don’t envy.  Thou shall not covet the neighbors pec’s.  Nor glutes.  Nor ab’s.  Focus on being healthy.  Not looking like _____.  You are not a number on a scale.  Your life in not measured by inches lost or gained.  You are God’s beloved creation.  His masterpiece. 

Keep coming.  In a few weeks, you will be sore.  Maybe a little or a lot discouraged. Not to mention the droning questions from well meaning, and not so well meaning, friends and family members.  For some reason, when people find out you go to a gym, they always ask the same question- “How much weight have you lost?” As though, just by signing the contract you automatically loose five pounds as a bonus!

Don’t slap them.  I know it would feel really good, but don’t. Pity them instead.  They have bought into our culture’s obsession with numbers.  Which is ridiculous and dangerous.  Take a deep breath and say “I am focused on being healthy.  Not numbers.”  It is okay to sound a little superior when you say this.  You have my permission.  This will either end or seriously curb their obsession with your progress. 

The most important thing  to remember is to be grateful.  Thank God you can move.  Pray as you run.  Exercise can be a spiritual discipline.  A chance to be mentally quiet and still while moving.  Worship.

In the mood

Why is sex so complicated?  Not the actual act.  That is the smooth part.  ( No pun intended) It’s the buildup to the actual getting down to business that is tricky.  A dance of seduction.  Fragile and full of emotion.  That could go bad at any moment…

I can only guess at what goes on inside the male brain, as I am female.  But for us girls, the complications that could ensue are endless.  Even for the reddest, hottest Red Hot Momma’s among us.  The phone rings. Offspring knock on the door. Worse yet, stand outside and say “I know you are doing something in there!  I can here you moving!”  ( This actually happened with our four year old.  Shudder.)  Someone has a nightmare or the inner radar of children goes off.  The one that makes sure NOTHING happens in the home- unless they are involved. 

Maybe I am just in a bad mood.  ( Another impediment to great sex!) Frankly, I am tired of being bombarded by the images of Super Sexual Woman in every magazine I read and show I watch.  SSW is a lot like a super hero.  She wears a crisp white shirt unbuttoned down to her navel.  Revealing a heaving bosom in a push up bra.  Her tailored jacket and short skirt revealing thigh high stockings and a garter belt.  Black stiletto heels round out her ensemble.  She holds a whip in one hand and a baby in the other.  She is a sexual tigress who can bring home the bacon.  Fry it up in the pan.  Wash the pan.  Bathe and nurture the children.  Then rock her husband’s world.  All without missing a beat, and in less than an hour. Super Sexual Woman has no trouble leaping small buildings or shifting roles on a dime.  She is super.  She is sexual.  ROAR! 

Back in the real world…

How does a Red Hot Momma get there?  Then stay there.

I don’t know. 

I think it requires a good sense of humor.  A sense of camaraderie as in, “We are both in this together.  We will find a way.”  The same kind of commitment it took to enjoy a kiss or more when dating is required while parenting.  Sneaking around tactics still apply, just in a different setting.  A really good imagination and a sense of  adventure.

A stolen moment in the laundry room can be hot.  If you can focus on your husband and not the laundry.  If you can focus on the way it feels to be kissed.  Really kissed, thoroughly.  Passionately.   The naughtiness of it all, kissing instead of working!  The heady feeling of being desired, even though you are standing in a pile of stinking soggy clothes.

All I want

This Red Hot Momma doesn’t consider herself high maintenance.  Actually, it takes very little to make me comfortable.  Being comfortable makes me happy.  When I am happy, my husband is happy.  So, I am making a list of things that I really, really want…because I want my husband to be happy!  See how that works?  🙂

I want jeans that make me look twenty pounds lighter.

I want a bra that keeps the girls high and in front.

I want panties that don’t ride up.

I want to never, ever have to wear thong underwear.  If there comes a female underwear shortage, I will be the first woman in line for men’s boxers.

I want lipstick that feels fabulous, looks fabulous and stays fabulous.

I want clean skin.  Without using 11 different products. 

I want less chemicals in my food and more for my hair.  🙂

I want a really cool t-shirt that I can wear with jeans.  A tee shirt that is unrelated to where my husband works, my children attend school or karate.

I want a hot car.  A car that is super sexy and fast.  Clean.  Smells great.  Two seats.  One for me.  One for Greg.  Paid for.

I want a to go one day without applying band-aids to phantom “Boo Boo’s”.

I want to sneeze without the consequences of having given birth three times.  🙂

I want shoes that are so sexy I blush when I put them on.  So comfortable I forget I am still wearing them.

I want a cute little black dress and someplace romantic to go while wearing it!

I want to look like I could run a marathon, if I wanted to…

I want to have a whole day to spend in bed with my husband.  Oh, and room service.  Oh, and cable.  For him.

I want peace on earth.  Peace in my house.

I want my kids to be loving, responsible adults.  I want them to be long on forgiveness.  Short on regret.

I want my life to have made a difference.  To have helped someone find healing through the Christ.

Now, really… is that too much to ask for?   🙂

From Surviving to Thriving

The further I make it in life, the more aware I become of how much my body has to say.  The words and emotions that I chose not to express find a way to make themselves heard.  One way or another.  My body speaks what is on my mind.

Some women are so in tune with their bodies that the above statement would seem ridiculously obvious.  But this Red Hot Momma was not raised to honor her body.  Let alone listen to what it was saying.  I was raised in an environment where body hate was the norm.  Even encouraged.  Subsequently, I abused my body in various ways.  From depriving it of food to over feeding my body.  Ignoring its pleas for rest.  Quiet times and exercise. 

Lax boundaries and emotional abuse from those I felt unable to stand up to culminated in weight gain, insomnia, hormone imbalances, panic attacks and ultimately, depression.  I found myself an emotional and physical wreck. My body was screaming out to me. Pleading with me to tune in but I did my best to ignore it.  Until, I was too sick to fight what it was so desperately trying to tell me. I had two choices: Listen and change or die.

I chose change.  As I began to recover from a series of life threatening illnesses, God began to open my eyes to the lies I had believed about this body I inhabit. HE replaced ugliness, disgust and guilt with beauty and truth.  HE showed me I was made in the image of the Creator of the Universe.  My body is beautiful and honorable.  My body is holy.  The temple God has chosen to indwell.  It is worthy of respect, honor and love.  It is not to be starved, carved or denigrated.  I am to care for it out loving respect for the Father and myself.  Not guilt or vanity. Out of love. 

So here I am at 32 feeling childlike delight in my body.  Joy at my ability to do three times as many push ups this month as last.  Wonder at my muscles ability to move my body in ways that were not even imaginable last year.  Excited to break out into a run and not care if anyone is watching. Instead of berating myself for the abuse I have endured and heaped on myself, I choose forgiveness of others.  Most importantly myself.  My favorite quote from Maya Angelou sums up how I view my past, “You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”

I now feel safe to care for myself. After being told my whole life that being kind to myself would make me selfish, I am finding the exact opposite.  Loving myself makes me able to love others. Admitting I am weak has made me stronger.  Facing conflict instead of running away brings peace. Confidence. Health.  Regardless of the emotional crap that is heaved my direction, I am not backing down. The Father has blessed me with free will and I will not hand it over to anyone. Ever again.  I own my own space. Without apology.  For the first time in my whole life.  My body cannot help but glow with this knowledge.

Tales From the gym

Red Hot Momma’s are always being confronted with new situations.  We assess the situation and make adjustments where needed.  We find a way to make things work.  I dare say problem solving is the Red Hot’s best skill. 

But…(and isn’t there always a “but”) even we have our moments of where we just want to run hide in the closet.  I think that going to the gym is one of the most trying times in a woman’s life.  Most of us spend way too long in the restroom, tugging and stretching on our workout clothes.  Psyching ourselves up to walk into a hotbed of beautiful, toned, tanned bodies.  (Can I get an Amen?)  It takes great courage to take our fluffier selves into the middle of what appears to be a super model photo shoot everyday. 

This Red Hot Momma pumps her music really loud in her ears, closes her eyes, and asks the LORD to give her the courage and strength to do what she needs to do today.  She also gives herself a pep talk.  Mrs. Red Hot says things like “This is about you.  Not them.  Yes they are beautiful.  So are you.  GOD loves you all equally.  You can do it!  You are worth the effort!”.

Once immersed in our own fitness routine, our confidence returns.  We are worth it!  We feel awesome!  Look out world!  Until a size 1 woman, who happens to be our age, sits down on the machine beside us.  She is fabulous looking and blowing us a way on the rowing machine. 

 Red Hot Momma’s are tempted to feel jealous.  This is where the rubber meets the road of Christianity.  We capture the thought and dissect it.  Often at the root of jealousy is fear.  Fear that we do not measure up. Pardon the pun.  Fear that maybe the world is right, our value lies in our looks and we will never be enough.  Fear that we lack something that every other woman has or has figured out how to get.

So if anyone out there can relate, here is a simple soulution.  Pray.  Pray for GOD to change our heart.  Pray for Miss Size 1.  She needs prayers too. Chances are she is feeling just as inadequate as we are in some area.  

 Ask the LORD to remind us we are all on the same team.  Fighting the real enemy, the world and it’s master, not one another.  Carry this truth with you today, Red Hot Momma.  You are loved by the King.  He thinks you are beautiful.  Just the way you are, right now.  So do I.

No

NO. 

It is so simple to write. But saying it, well, that’s a whole other ballgame. Isn’t it?  I mean, there is always someone who needs something from us. Our time. Our money. Our skills.  Our money, time, and skills. For good causes. Church, charity, kids organizations, etc.  For some reason, no one else can or will fulfill the task, it seems.  So it falls to us. Even though, there is just no way we have the energy.  Or patience.  Or time to do one more thing. It is just part of being a “good” Christian woman to be overbooked, overworked and over stressed. Right? Busy, busy, busy…

No.

No, no. Go ahead.  Say it out loud.  “No”.  

We are exhausted.  Frazzled.  A little bit bitter. With good reason!  No one can do everything that we have heaped upon our plates.  No one. When we are booked solid, day in day out, there is no time to recharge.  No time to reflect.  No time for GOD.  Now, let’s be clear.  Working for GOD is not the same as having a relationship with HIM.  I know, that hurts.  I struggle with this myself. I haven’t always been able to say “No”.  It is a skill that I have just acquired in the last few years.  With GOD’s help. 

I was one of those bitter “nice people” you always see working away.  Do for others what you will not do for yourself.  That was my motto.  Whatever needed to be done, I did it with smile on my face.  Yes, please sign me up for Toddler, Nursery and Infant care duty at Church!  VBS teacher?  Absolutely.  Children’s church worker? Yes.  Organize the church Christmas party? Sure.  Be class mother for preschool? Okay.  Not to mention the socks that needed sorting.  Noses and rear ends that needed wiped at home.   

There was so much time spent “doing good” that I was left with no time to just be me. To be with GOD. That was bad. One cannot give what one doesn’t have.  Eventually, I got sick.  Really sick.  Bed ridden for months.  While my body recovered, my soul did too.  It was amazing. I wasn’t working.  I was sitting.  I was quiet and listening.  Resting in HIM, with HIM.  I was “doing” less for GOD than I have ever done, and I have never felt closer to HIM. (Be still and know that I am GOD.  Anyone?) We made the leap from work acquaintances to committed relationship.  And we are still going strong.

So this is the Red Hot Momma challenge of the week- Say “No.”

Say no to more, do less.  Rest in Him.  Try it for a week.  Let me know how it goes.

Dirty Talk

I have found that there are lots of us ladies that participate in dirty talk.  We do it everywhere.  The bank, ballgames, kids birthday parties.  Even church.  We say things that should make us blush.  Cringe.

The “dirty talk” I am referring to here is a kind of self inflicted character assassination.  It goes something like this…”Umm. That birthday cake looks so good. I’m not going to have any though.  My butt is already so big.”  “I am sorry I forgot our lunch date at Chick Fil A!  I am so stupid.”  “I am so fat.  Wrinkly. In need of medical intervention.  Shield your eyes as I pass by, please! “

If this is where you are at, consider the following.  Would you talk about others the way you speak of yourself?  Would you call your friends fat cow, loser, hippo girl, pig woman?  I bet you would be horrified if someone said such mean things to you.  So stop saying them to yourself.  Give up the dirty talk. Be kind to yourself.  You are worth it! 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29