The Secret to Hot Monogamy

Red Hot Mommas and Red Hot Daddies aren’t always, well.. um..RED HOT.  It happens. To the best of us. Work, stress, money, lack of money, bills, extended family issues and children- they all can culminate in a complete theft of ones libido. Or worse yet, the loss of both libidos. 

No one sees it coming.  It just happens.  Slowly.  Insidiously.  We get too tired or mad to keep making much of an effort anymore.  Tragedy strikes or an extended illness sets up shop in your home.  Surviving takes precidence over romance.  If this is where you are at in your marriage I say to you, “Welcome Friend! You are normal. It happens.  Now do something about it.”   

Before you haul out the Victoria’s Secret catalog, I want to tell you something.  Lingerie won’t work.  In fact you could both wear it at the same time, if that is how you roll.  No judgement. It still won’t work.  It might seem to for a while, but it’s just a quick fix.  Not a cure. Quicker than you can max out your credit card- you’re back in the same boring boat.

So what is the secret to staying HOT?  Ready?  Brace yourselves!  The secret to an incredible sex life is…PRAYER!  Wait a minute!  Who groaned?   I am serious.  In fact I am not only a member of the Bedroom Prayer Club- I am also a customer!  (Just a little Hair Club for Men Joke)  So are my friends!

I have seen first hand the power of prayer turn friends marriages from “roomate” status to ”Honeymooners” almost over night.  Issues that couples had struggled with a few months, some even for many years, were no match for the earnest prayer of spouses.  In fact, usually it was only one spouse who was willing to put their marriage into God’s hands.  Marriages that were once teetering on the brink of divorce have become passionate and functional. 

I know some of you out there are a little bit freaked out right now.  It’s okay.  Breathe.  God loves you.  Every single part of you.  There is nothing going on in your life or bed that he doesn’t care about.  I mean, HE knows what you need better than you do.  Trust HIM with this area of your life too.  You have nothing to loose.  Everything to gain.

Don’t ask, don’t tell?

While discussing some friends’ marital woes recently, this Red Hot Momma found that there is appears to be a wide gender gap regarding adultery.  More specifically, the aftermath.  The Mr. and I were out running errands when the marital woes of some acquaintancescame up.  They were in the process of a messy split over an affair.  Although, I personally believe that an affair is the result of a marriage that is already suffering, there is no denying the seal-the-deal nature of straying. His one time infidelity, and subsequent confession, had plunged his entire family into turmoil. Divorce seems imminent.

This dear reader is the part where you start to squirm.  While listening to the Mr. describe the misery of the entire family, I said if an affair is over and done, maybe it would be best if the cheated spouse never knew.  I was thinking of the poor soul who was unaware that the marriage bed had been soiled, so to speak.  I talked of sparing the loved one pain and living with the bone crushing guilt in silence.  Vowing and becoming a better spouse with a renewed marriage.  Happily ever after.

 Not so for Mr. Red Hot.  He nearly drove right off the road while listening to my meandering justification of keeping mum on an infidelity.  Even after adding the following caveats:

1.  Must have been a one time encounter.

2.  Must have been purely physical.  No “But I was in love!” business.

3.  Must not have been public knowledge. 

4.  Must not have resulted in creation of human life.

5.  Must have ended amicably and most important, mutually.

6.  I couldn’t think of anymore.  However, I reserved the right to add in defense of argument.

Mr. Red Hot was furious.  A state he rarely attains without my help.   He began a rapid fire assassination of my feeble reasons for not sharing.  This was vital information I was withholding here.  (“Hypothetically!” I interjected.)  Of course, one would tell. There was no choice.  Fess up.  Pay for play.  If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime and lot’s of other tired cliches.  Point taken.  Adultery is a deal breaker.

Now before you leave the computer to go hunt for stones to throw, I would like to remind everyone that this was an offhand comment made while chewing gum and looking out the window sale signs on storefronts.  (Thinking before I speak is not exactly this Hot Momma’s strong suit.)  Still, the voracity of Mr. Red Hot’s condemnation surprised me.  So, I am going to open up a can of worms here by asking for your takes on withholding information about an affair.

A few ground rules:  Adultery is bad.  Don’t even try to defend it because I will just delete those comments. After all this is my blog. :)   Don’t personally attack anyone.  It’s just for fun.

30 Ways To Turn A Man Off

This is a list many of you have seen before.  It was originally posted as 18 ways to turn a man off.  Since I am still sick and thus uninspired, I am re-posting the list with a few more additions. 

1.   Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”.  Repeat at least seven times per day.

2.   Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him.  Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.

3.   Take him with you to buy new couch pillows.  Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones.  Decide in  the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed. Once home, ask him to go back to the store and buy the curtains.

4.   Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.

5.   Sigh.  Disgustedly. Often.

6.   Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”

7.   Expect his response to be, “You, dear.  Only you.”

8.   Assume he knows why you are angry.

9.   When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”

10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.

11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage.  Tell your man what your friends said.

12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.

13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.

14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softy and cried during Titanic.

15. Talk about your “cycle”.

16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.

17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.

18. Take EVERYTHING personally.

19.  Tell him he would look so sexy if he would just loose his table muscle/burrito belly.

20.  Grow the hair out on your legs until it is soft and wavy.  Then ask him to pick whose legs are hairier.

21. Get mad when he says, “Yours!”

22.  Cry.  A lot. 

23.  Tell him all the ways he could improve. 

24.  Focus on his flaws. 

25.  Ask him if you have any flaws.  Yell and scream and pout when he says, “YES!”

26.  Hang out with his friends more than he does.

27.  Say, “Why don’t you make more money?”

28.  Grimmace when he suggests making love. 

29.  Treat him like a child.

30.  ???????????

You tell me what #30 should be.  Just keep it PG-13!  Enjoy!

A rose is a rose?

I found this very interesting. 

 http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27417084/ 

 So this Red Hot Momma will be purchasing a pair of red fleece pajamas very soon. 

5 reasons to love the missionary position

Yes, you read that correctly.  Missionary position.  I think that it really gets a bum wrap.  (Insert giggles here) No, it isn’t glamourous.  More of a meat and poatoes kind of gig. But this Hot Momma will gladly declare that there is nothing wrong with meat and potaoes. Quite filling. So here is a list of five good things about the Missionary Position from a woman’s point of view.  

1.  You look fabulous!  In this instance, gravity is our friend.  Flat on our backs we look incredible because everything falls backward.  Like you have had a facelift and tummy tuck.  Try this out.  Get a hand mirror and stoop over while holding it next to your face.  Don’t pass out- I know it’s shocking!  Now throw your head back with the mirror above your head.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait….See!  Amazing huh?

2.  Kissing.  Enough said.

3.  Eye contact.  Intimacy at it’s best.

4.  Limited viewing area.  Just in case you aren’t as in shape as you’d like. Or would like to believe.

5.   Easy on the joints.  It is like going to the fair and finding out it’s a free day.  You just get to sit or lie back and enjoy the ride.

Not Tonight, Dear

Let’s face it.  After a day of giving and giving and giving, few of us feel like rocking our husband’s world come bedtime.  There are a million things that need to be done before tomorrow.  Laundry, dishes, overly thirsty toddlers to water, and personal grooming just to name a few. But I am going to risk tons of cranky emails by saying the following.  Of all the things on your “to do” list, your husband is number one.

Oooh, I hear the indignant sighs all the way across cyberspace.  Stay with me sisters!  Sex is not a chore.  I know, I know. We joke around like it is a terrible burden placed upon our shoulders.  We moan and groan, pun intended, about how our husbands always want sex.  We say, indignantly, things like, “So there I was.  Covered in applesauce and baby vomit and here he comes.  Rubbing my back.  I knew what he wanting.  How could he expect me to just kick the dirty clothes off the bed and get with it?” This line of conversation is always met with enthusiastic responses, head nodding, eye rolling, etc.  As though we are far superior to men because we can do without sex until the laundry is done and the kids are dating.   

It’s like somewhere along the way we have gotten our wires crossed about the difference between harassment and a blessing.  A creepy man following you around the supermarket, while making innuendos about the cucumbers, is harassment.  The man you are married to wanting to join his body with yours, despite the applesauce and vomit, is a blessing. 

Before the “Who do you think you are?” messages start posting, I just want to say the following.  Sex is good.  Good for you.  Good for him.  Good for the economy.  (okay, I just threw that in for fun)  I think that being a red hot momma means you can throw caution to the wind and go for it.  Go ahead!  Jump on your husband tonight. Who cares about all of the things that need to be done?  Most of them will just need to be done again tomorrow anyway. You and your husband are the most important things on that list that needs “doing”.