Pet Names

Nearly every couple I know uses “pet names” of some sort for each other.  I think, in general, it’s cute.  But as with all things cute, too much will kill you.  The following are too cute to use when company is over. 

1.  Daddy/Mommy -  If your spouse is not your biological parent, please don’t act as such.  If your spouse is your parent, start your own blog.  Immediately.

2. Pumpkin/Squash/Carrott – Really?  No, don’t tell us.  We do NOT want to know.

3.  Big Man/ Little Mama – Unless this is your CB handle, um..no.  Breaker. Breaker.

4.  Toot/Poot -  We can figure it out on our own. Thanks.  

5.  Lover- Eww.  We get it. You have “relations”.  Congratulations.

6.  Jelly Belly/Big Bertha-  Okay, these just sound insulting.  Get therapy.

7.  Pookie/ Snookums/ Fuzzy Kitten- PUH LEEZ!  Somebody grab me an epi pen! STAT!

8.  Tater Tot/ Oyster/ Ham Bone/ Pork Chop/ Cornbread-   Just… No. 

9.  Little Girl/ Baby Girl-  These are the catch phrases of the creepy people who end up on that Dateline show “To Catch a Predator”.

10.  Hot Stuff/ Hot Thing-  If your spouse is currently on fire, go ahead.  Otherwise? Cool it! (Pun intended)

The Secret to Hot Monogamy

Red Hot Mommas and Red Hot Daddies aren’t always, well.. um..RED HOT.  It happens. To the best of us. Work, stress, money, lack of money, bills, extended family issues and children- they all can culminate in a complete theft of ones libido. Or worse yet, the loss of both libidos. 

No one sees it coming.  It just happens.  Slowly.  Insidiously.  We get too tired or mad to keep making much of an effort anymore.  Tragedy strikes or an extended illness sets up shop in your home.  Surviving takes precidence over romance.  If this is where you are at in your marriage I say to you, “Welcome Friend! You are normal. It happens.  Now do something about it.”   

Before you haul out the Victoria’s Secret catalog, I want to tell you something.  Lingerie won’t work.  In fact you could both wear it at the same time, if that is how you roll.  No judgement. It still won’t work.  It might seem to for a while, but it’s just a quick fix.  Not a cure. Quicker than you can max out your credit card- you’re back in the same boring boat.

So what is the secret to staying HOT?  Ready?  Brace yourselves!  The secret to an incredible sex life is…PRAYER!  Wait a minute!  Who groaned?   I am serious.  In fact I am not only a member of the Bedroom Prayer Club- I am also a customer!  (Just a little Hair Club for Men Joke)  So are my friends!

I have seen first hand the power of prayer turn friends marriages from “roomate” status to ”Honeymooners” almost over night.  Issues that couples had struggled with a few months, some even for many years, were no match for the earnest prayer of spouses.  In fact, usually it was only one spouse who was willing to put their marriage into God’s hands.  Marriages that were once teetering on the brink of divorce have become passionate and functional. 

I know some of you out there are a little bit freaked out right now.  It’s okay.  Breathe.  God loves you.  Every single part of you.  There is nothing going on in your life or bed that he doesn’t care about.  I mean, HE knows what you need better than you do.  Trust HIM with this area of your life too.  You have nothing to loose.  Everything to gain.

Don’t ask, don’t tell?

While discussing some friends’ marital woes recently, this Red Hot Momma found that there is appears to be a wide gender gap regarding adultery.  More specifically, the aftermath.  The Mr. and I were out running errands when the marital woes of some acquaintancescame up.  They were in the process of a messy split over an affair.  Although, I personally believe that an affair is the result of a marriage that is already suffering, there is no denying the seal-the-deal nature of straying. His one time infidelity, and subsequent confession, had plunged his entire family into turmoil. Divorce seems imminent.

This dear reader is the part where you start to squirm.  While listening to the Mr. describe the misery of the entire family, I said if an affair is over and done, maybe it would be best if the cheated spouse never knew.  I was thinking of the poor soul who was unaware that the marriage bed had been soiled, so to speak.  I talked of sparing the loved one pain and living with the bone crushing guilt in silence.  Vowing and becoming a better spouse with a renewed marriage.  Happily ever after.

 Not so for Mr. Red Hot.  He nearly drove right off the road while listening to my meandering justification of keeping mum on an infidelity.  Even after adding the following caveats:

1.  Must have been a one time encounter.

2.  Must have been purely physical.  No “But I was in love!” business.

3.  Must not have been public knowledge. 

4.  Must not have resulted in creation of human life.

5.  Must have ended amicably and most important, mutually.

6.  I couldn’t think of anymore.  However, I reserved the right to add in defense of argument.

Mr. Red Hot was furious.  A state he rarely attains without my help.   He began a rapid fire assassination of my feeble reasons for not sharing.  This was vital information I was withholding here.  (“Hypothetically!” I interjected.)  Of course, one would tell. There was no choice.  Fess up.  Pay for play.  If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime and lot’s of other tired cliches.  Point taken.  Adultery is a deal breaker.

Now before you leave the computer to go hunt for stones to throw, I would like to remind everyone that this was an offhand comment made while chewing gum and looking out the window sale signs on storefronts.  (Thinking before I speak is not exactly this Hot Momma’s strong suit.)  Still, the voracity of Mr. Red Hot’s condemnation surprised me.  So, I am going to open up a can of worms here by asking for your takes on withholding information about an affair.

A few ground rules:  Adultery is bad.  Don’t even try to defend it because I will just delete those comments. After all this is my blog. :)   Don’t personally attack anyone.  It’s just for fun.

Creative ways to dodge the issue

Here are some creative ways to dodge ”that” conversation with your spouse.  You know, the subject that always leads to a fight. Come on, I know you’ve got one…or three.    

1.  “Why is it so hot in here?  Is it hot in here to you?”

2.  “I love making out with you!  Wait, what were we talking about?”

3.  “I would love for you to buy a motorcycle.  Have I ever told you that?”

4.  “This one time when I was seven I got lost in the woods.  There was a bear following me.  I was so scared I couldn’t breathe.  So I started running and running and suddenly-  Well, that’s not important now.  The surgery fixed everything.” 

5.  “You make me so happy.  I just wanted you to know.  Go ahead with what you were saying.”

6.  “Could I hold your hand for a minute?”

7.  “Wow. Have you lost weight?”

8.  “Have you been working out?”

9.  “Let’s hug for five minutes, then talk.  Okay?”

10.  “I smell something burning!”

the best way to relax

Did anyone see this report about kissing?  Click here!  Absolutely the best way to relax after a long day apart!

30 Ways To Turn A Man Off

This is a list many of you have seen before.  It was originally posted as 18 ways to turn a man off.  Since I am still sick and thus uninspired, I am re-posting the list with a few more additions. 

1.   Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”.  Repeat at least seven times per day.

2.   Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him.  Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.

3.   Take him with you to buy new couch pillows.  Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones.  Decide in  the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed. Once home, ask him to go back to the store and buy the curtains.

4.   Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.

5.   Sigh.  Disgustedly. Often.

6.   Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”

7.   Expect his response to be, “You, dear.  Only you.”

8.   Assume he knows why you are angry.

9.   When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”

10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.

11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage.  Tell your man what your friends said.

12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.

13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.

14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softy and cried during Titanic.

15. Talk about your “cycle”.

16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.

17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.

18. Take EVERYTHING personally.

19.  Tell him he would look so sexy if he would just loose his table muscle/burrito belly.

20.  Grow the hair out on your legs until it is soft and wavy.  Then ask him to pick whose legs are hairier.

21. Get mad when he says, “Yours!”

22.  Cry.  A lot. 

23.  Tell him all the ways he could improve. 

24.  Focus on his flaws. 

25.  Ask him if you have any flaws.  Yell and scream and pout when he says, “YES!”

26.  Hang out with his friends more than he does.

27.  Say, “Why don’t you make more money?”

28.  Grimmace when he suggests making love. 

29.  Treat him like a child.

30.  ???????????

You tell me what #30 should be.  Just keep it PG-13!  Enjoy!

5 Things Your Husband Wishes You Knew

!.  He’s got body issues too.  I know, hard to believe.  We women thought we had the market cornered on poor body images.  Men are feeling the heat to be buff.  Just like we are.  They need to know we appreciate their bodies.

2.  It matters what you think of him. Men really need us to believe in them.  To take one look at giants they are facing everyday and say, “I know you can do it!”.  “I trust you, I believe in you.” A man is unstoppable if his wife has confidence in him. 

3.  He can’t read you mind.  Stop the insanity!  If he could read your mind, honey, he would have done it already.  Tell him what you want instead of beating around the bush and hoping he will get the hint.  He won’t.  He wasn’t built that way.  He isn’t being unloving, unromantic or unkind.  He is being who GOD created him to be. 

4.  He needs you too.  Yes, I know you are busy with the kids, laundry, dishes, church, and work.  But he needs you too.  Just a little undivided attention everyday.

5.  He wants you to sit down and watch t.v. with him.   This is quality time.  A shoulder to shoulder activity that recharges his batteries.  Sit with him.  Don’t talk.  Just sit quietly and watch the television.  I hear groaning.  If you came into your home to find it spotlessly clean, laundry done, kitchen cleaned with a candlelit supper waiting, provided by your husband…How would you feel?  Overwhelming love, right?  That is how he feels when you veg on the couch with him.  You aren’t wasting time.  You are marriage building.

A rose is a rose?

I found this very interesting. 

 http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27417084/ 

 So this Red Hot Momma will be purchasing a pair of red fleece pajamas very soon. 

5 reasons to love the missionary position

Yes, you read that correctly.  Missionary position.  I think that it really gets a bum wrap.  (Insert giggles here) No, it isn’t glamourous.  More of a meat and poatoes kind of gig. But this Hot Momma will gladly declare that there is nothing wrong with meat and potaoes. Quite filling. So here is a list of five good things about the Missionary Position from a woman’s point of view.  

1.  You look fabulous!  In this instance, gravity is our friend.  Flat on our backs we look incredible because everything falls backward.  Like you have had a facelift and tummy tuck.  Try this out.  Get a hand mirror and stoop over while holding it next to your face.  Don’t pass out- I know it’s shocking!  Now throw your head back with the mirror above your head.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait….See!  Amazing huh?

2.  Kissing.  Enough said.

3.  Eye contact.  Intimacy at it’s best.

4.  Limited viewing area.  Just in case you aren’t as in shape as you’d like. Or would like to believe.

5.   Easy on the joints.  It is like going to the fair and finding out it’s a free day.  You just get to sit or lie back and enjoy the ride.

Love & Respect

My sister in law had been raving about a book she was reading called Love and Respect.  I thought it sounded really interesting…then forgot about it.  But GOD didn’t.  In less than 48 hours I overheard or saw six references to the book.  I am slow, but not that slow.  I realized GOD was trying to tell me something.  So, last Friday, I picked up the book…and broke out in tears.

Mr. Red Hot and I have a great marriage. At least that is how we each assess it.  He is my best friend.  I am his best friend. We love to hang out with each other.  Our marriage has weathered lightening strikes, annoying extended family, home renovation, strokes, Cerebral Palsy, Autism, and most recently a three month bout with Menengitis.

We do have our “communication gaps” though.  You may know what I am talking about here.  You say “X”.  He hears “Y”.  Next thing you know, both of you are mad as hornets, wondering what just happened.  If this never happens at your house…WOW!  Go write a book and I will buy it.  Because this happens at my house more than I care for.  If you are familiar with the XY cycle, I wholeheartedly recommend Love & Respect. 

Be warned.  This book is not for the faint (OR HARD) of heart. There are entire chapters you might cry through.  I have.  But a hallmark of the Red Hot Momma is courage.  She can admit when she is wrong. She is wise, leaning on GOD, not her own understanding of things. Learning new behaviors and pass them on to those around her. Sharing the wealth. Reaping the benefits along the way. 

This Red Hot Momma is pleased to report that there are definite benefits to reap.  Immediately.  We are both much happier than we even thought we could be, after one week.  I have seen a fire in his eyes.  A glow to him that I haven’t seen in far too long.  And that has meant more love and affection for me. 

So I challenge all Hot Momma’s to go out and get the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  Let me know what you think…

  http://www.loveandrespect.com/