Pet Names

Nearly every couple I know uses “pet names” of some sort for each other.  I think, in general, it’s cute.  But as with all things cute, too much will kill you.  The following are too cute to use when company is over. 

1.  Daddy/Mommy -  If your spouse is not your biological parent, please don’t act as such.  If your spouse is your parent, start your own blog.  Immediately.

2. Pumpkin/Squash/Carrott – Really?  No, don’t tell us.  We do NOT want to know.

3.  Big Man/ Little Mama – Unless this is your CB handle, um..no.  Breaker. Breaker.

4.  Toot/Poot -  We can figure it out on our own. Thanks.  

5.  Lover- Eww.  We get it. You have “relations”.  Congratulations.

6.  Jelly Belly/Big Bertha-  Okay, these just sound insulting.  Get therapy.

7.  Pookie/ Snookums/ Fuzzy Kitten- PUH LEEZ!  Somebody grab me an epi pen! STAT!

8.  Tater Tot/ Oyster/ Ham Bone/ Pork Chop/ Cornbread-   Just… No. 

9.  Little Girl/ Baby Girl-  These are the catch phrases of the creepy people who end up on that Dateline show “To Catch a Predator”.

10.  Hot Stuff/ Hot Thing-  If your spouse is currently on fire, go ahead.  Otherwise? Cool it! (Pun intended)

Creative ways to dodge the issue

Here are some creative ways to dodge ”that” conversation with your spouse.  You know, the subject that always leads to a fight. Come on, I know you’ve got one…or three.    

1.  “Why is it so hot in here?  Is it hot in here to you?”

2.  “I love making out with you!  Wait, what were we talking about?”

3.  “I would love for you to buy a motorcycle.  Have I ever told you that?”

4.  “This one time when I was seven I got lost in the woods.  There was a bear following me.  I was so scared I couldn’t breathe.  So I started running and running and suddenly-  Well, that’s not important now.  The surgery fixed everything.” 

5.  “You make me so happy.  I just wanted you to know.  Go ahead with what you were saying.”

6.  “Could I hold your hand for a minute?”

7.  “Wow. Have you lost weight?”

8.  “Have you been working out?”

9.  “Let’s hug for five minutes, then talk.  Okay?”

10.  “I smell something burning!”

Testing 1, 2, 3

Since Red Hot Momma’s are always looking for ways to be more efficient, I have devised the following tests to save precious time.  Feel free to thank me later. 

Test #1

How to tell if husband is in the mood to make love: Check for pulse.  If you find one, he wants to. (just kidding )

Test #2

How to tell how big of a mess the kids have made: Listen for noise.  The quieter the house, the worse the mess.  If after 28 seconds you hear nothing- don hip waders and a bleach overcoat.  Proceed with caution.

Test #3

How to determine proper punishment for disobeying the rules: If something got broke-make them fix it.  If someone got hurt- make them hug.  If it’s a felony- Let their Dad take care of it!” 

 

Test #4

How to tell if you should change your home light bulbs: If you can see wrinkles, shift down to 20 watts.

Test #5

How to tell you and your spouse need a date night:  You pass one another in the hall.  Your eyes meet.  The silence is broken by “Hey…Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Test #6

How to tell you need some “me” time:  Check your pulse.  If you have one, you need some!