30 Ways To Turn A Man Off

This is a list many of you have seen before.  It was originally posted as 18 ways to turn a man off.  Since I am still sick and thus uninspired, I am re-posting the list with a few more additions. 

1.   Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”.  Repeat at least seven times per day.

2.   Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him.  Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.

3.   Take him with you to buy new couch pillows.  Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones.  Decide in  the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed. Once home, ask him to go back to the store and buy the curtains.

4.   Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.

5.   Sigh.  Disgustedly. Often.

6.   Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”

7.   Expect his response to be, “You, dear.  Only you.”

8.   Assume he knows why you are angry.

9.   When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”

10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.

11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage.  Tell your man what your friends said.

12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.

13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.

14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softy and cried during Titanic.

15. Talk about your “cycle”.

16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.

17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.

18. Take EVERYTHING personally.

19.  Tell him he would look so sexy if he would just loose his table muscle/burrito belly.

20.  Grow the hair out on your legs until it is soft and wavy.  Then ask him to pick whose legs are hairier.

21. Get mad when he says, “Yours!”

22.  Cry.  A lot. 

23.  Tell him all the ways he could improve. 

24.  Focus on his flaws. 

25.  Ask him if you have any flaws.  Yell and scream and pout when he says, “YES!”

26.  Hang out with his friends more than he does.

27.  Say, “Why don’t you make more money?”

28.  Grimmace when he suggests making love. 

29.  Treat him like a child.

30.  ???????????

You tell me what #30 should be.  Just keep it PG-13!  Enjoy!

Sick Momma

I am a sick red hot momma. Been sick since Friday in fact. I have drug myself from couch to bed to kid activities and then finally the doctor’s office today.  But that is not where this post is going…

This morning while taking the puppy outside for a potty break, I began to really feel sorry for myself.  My illness combined with the cold outdoor air and the fact that our dog that is a diva who refuses to poop in wet grass came crushing down on me. (Mrs. Red Hot is always susceptible to a pity party when ill)  I mean, here I was…sick…outside in the cold…waiting for the dog to poop…without looking her in the eye.  Like I said, she is a diva.  Poor me!

As I stepped back into the house, the overwhelming scent of poop nearly knocked me down.  What on earth was making my house smell like a refugee camp latrine?  Three feet outside our bathroom was a pair of pajama bottoms.  Followed by a shirt.  With poop all over it.  The door leading to the repugnant smell stood half open.  I broke out in a cold sweat.  Whatever lay on the opposite side of the door would scar me forever.  I just sensed it.  After taking a slow, not so deep breath, I stepped into the bathroom.

When the human mind is faced with a reality that it finds too gruesome to process, images come into consciousness in slow motion.  Image 1- Poop covered toilet seat.  Empty.  Image 2- blue beach towel wrapped around toilet base.  Poop splattered.  Image 3- formerly white wash cloths. Now zebra striped. Image 4- preschooler.  Toilet papered.  Poop smeared. 

I gasped.  Regretting it immediately.  I stood in the middle of a what appeared to be a crime scene.  Something had gone terribly wrong in this bathroom.  I felt as though I would faint, but decided not too.  It was impossible to avoid hitting excrement.  “Son. What happened?” I said, calmly.  “Well…I really don’t know.” he explained.  “Something bad.”  I had to agree with him. 

I wanted to cry.  Scream.  Rail against the unfairness of being a mom.  A parent.  But instead I felt a peace settle over me.  A peace that could only come from above.  I looked at my son.  Covered in crap.  Standing in the middle of a huge stinking mess. Humiliated.  Desperately needing mercy. All because he tried to fix things his own way.  I’ve been there.   

As I helped him scrub off in the shower, the irony of the situation was not lost on me.  How many times has the Father scooped me up, cleansed me, and took care of the mess I had made?  Too many to count. 

I found myself feeling much less pitiful. In fact, pretty grateful.  Realizing just how much I have been forgiven and loved by the Father. Which turned out to come in handy because my three year old came crashing into the bathroom yelling “MOM!  The dog just POOPED in my room.”

Red Hot Momma’s don’t let a little crap ruin their days…but a lot of crap can certainly put a damper on it!

5 Things Your Husband Wishes You Knew

!.  He’s got body issues too.  I know, hard to believe.  We women thought we had the market cornered on poor body images.  Men are feeling the heat to be buff.  Just like we are.  They need to know we appreciate their bodies.

2.  It matters what you think of him. Men really need us to believe in them.  To take one look at giants they are facing everyday and say, “I know you can do it!”.  “I trust you, I believe in you.” A man is unstoppable if his wife has confidence in him. 

3.  He can’t read you mind.  Stop the insanity!  If he could read your mind, honey, he would have done it already.  Tell him what you want instead of beating around the bush and hoping he will get the hint.  He won’t.  He wasn’t built that way.  He isn’t being unloving, unromantic or unkind.  He is being who GOD created him to be. 

4.  He needs you too.  Yes, I know you are busy with the kids, laundry, dishes, church, and work.  But he needs you too.  Just a little undivided attention everyday.

5.  He wants you to sit down and watch t.v. with him.   This is quality time.  A shoulder to shoulder activity that recharges his batteries.  Sit with him.  Don’t talk.  Just sit quietly and watch the television.  I hear groaning.  If you came into your home to find it spotlessly clean, laundry done, kitchen cleaned with a candlelit supper waiting, provided by your husband…How would you feel?  Overwhelming love, right?  That is how he feels when you veg on the couch with him.  You aren’t wasting time.  You are marriage building.

A rose is a rose?

I found this very interesting. 

 http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27417084/ 

 So this Red Hot Momma will be purchasing a pair of red fleece pajamas very soon. 

5 reasons to love the missionary position

Yes, you read that correctly.  Missionary position.  I think that it really gets a bum wrap.  (Insert giggles here) No, it isn’t glamourous.  More of a meat and poatoes kind of gig. But this Hot Momma will gladly declare that there is nothing wrong with meat and potaoes. Quite filling. So here is a list of five good things about the Missionary Position from a woman’s point of view.  

1.  You look fabulous!  In this instance, gravity is our friend.  Flat on our backs we look incredible because everything falls backward.  Like you have had a facelift and tummy tuck.  Try this out.  Get a hand mirror and stoop over while holding it next to your face.  Don’t pass out- I know it’s shocking!  Now throw your head back with the mirror above your head.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait….See!  Amazing huh?

2.  Kissing.  Enough said.

3.  Eye contact.  Intimacy at it’s best.

4.  Limited viewing area.  Just in case you aren’t as in shape as you’d like. Or would like to believe.

5.   Easy on the joints.  It is like going to the fair and finding out it’s a free day.  You just get to sit or lie back and enjoy the ride.

No

NO. 

It is so simple to write. But saying it, well, that’s a whole other ballgame. Isn’t it?  I mean, there is always someone who needs something from us. Our time. Our money. Our skills.  Our money, time, and skills. For good causes. Church, charity, kids organizations, etc.  For some reason, no one else can or will fulfill the task, it seems.  So it falls to us. Even though, there is just no way we have the energy.  Or patience.  Or time to do one more thing. It is just part of being a ”good” Christian woman to be overbooked, overworked and over stressed. Right? Busy, busy, busy…

No.

No, no. Go ahead.  Say it out loud.  “No”.  

We are exhausted.  Frazzled.  A little bit bitter. With good reason!  No one can do everything that we have heaped upon our plates.  No one. When we are booked solid, day in day out, there is no time to recharge.  No time to reflect.  No time for GOD.  Now, let’s be clear.  Working for GOD is not the same as having a relationship with HIM.  I know, that hurts.  I struggle with this myself. I haven’t always been able to say “No”.  It is a skill that I have just acquired in the last few years.  With GOD’s help. 

I was one of those bitter “nice people” you always see working away.  Do for others what you will not do for yourself.  That was my motto.  Whatever needed to be done, I did it with smile on my face.  Yes, please sign me up for Toddler, Nursery and Infant care duty at Church!  VBS teacher?  Absolutely.  Children’s church worker? Yes.  Organize the church Christmas party? Sure.  Be class mother for preschool? Okay.  Not to mention the socks that needed sorting.  Noses and rear ends that needed wiped at home.   

There was so much time spent “doing good” that I was left with no time to just be me. To be with GOD. That was bad. One cannot give what one doesn’t have.  Eventually, I got sick.  Really sick.  Bed ridden for months.  While my body recovered, my soul did too.  It was amazing. I wasn’t working.  I was sitting.  I was quiet and listening.  Resting in HIM, with HIM.  I was “doing” less for GOD than I have ever done, and I have never felt closer to HIM. (Be still and know that I am GOD.  Anyone?) We made the leap from work acquaintances to committed relationship.  And we are still going strong.

So this is the Red Hot Momma challenge of the week- Say “No.”

Say no to more, do less.  Rest in Him.  Try it for a week.  Let me know how it goes.

Love & Respect

My sister in law had been raving about a book she was reading called Love and Respect.  I thought it sounded really interesting…then forgot about it.  But GOD didn’t.  In less than 48 hours I overheard or saw six references to the book.  I am slow, but not that slow.  I realized GOD was trying to tell me something.  So, last Friday, I picked up the book…and broke out in tears.

Mr. Red Hot and I have a great marriage. At least that is how we each assess it.  He is my best friend.  I am his best friend. We love to hang out with each other.  Our marriage has weathered lightening strikes, annoying extended family, home renovation, strokes, Cerebral Palsy, Autism, and most recently a three month bout with Menengitis.

We do have our “communication gaps” though.  You may know what I am talking about here.  You say “X”.  He hears “Y”.  Next thing you know, both of you are mad as hornets, wondering what just happened.  If this never happens at your house…WOW!  Go write a book and I will buy it.  Because this happens at my house more than I care for.  If you are familiar with the XY cycle, I wholeheartedly recommend Love & Respect. 

Be warned.  This book is not for the faint (OR HARD) of heart. There are entire chapters you might cry through.  I have.  But a hallmark of the Red Hot Momma is courage.  She can admit when she is wrong. She is wise, leaning on GOD, not her own understanding of things. Learning new behaviors and pass them on to those around her. Sharing the wealth. Reaping the benefits along the way. 

This Red Hot Momma is pleased to report that there are definite benefits to reap.  Immediately.  We are both much happier than we even thought we could be, after one week.  I have seen a fire in his eyes.  A glow to him that I haven’t seen in far too long.  And that has meant more love and affection for me. 

So I challenge all Hot Momma’s to go out and get the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  Let me know what you think…

  http://www.loveandrespect.com/

The Power of One

I am going to go out on a limb here with the following statement.  I think most of us drag around some toxic baggage from our parents.  It could be a negative perspective, self defeating thought patterns or a tendency to abuse our bodies. 

Often when we see these unhealthy habits in our own lives, we can trace them back generations in our families.  For example, you hate your body….Your mom was always on a diet…Your grandma always complained about the size of her rear end….and so it goes. It is obvious that a change must come.  But there is so much dysfunction, where do we begin?   

If you struggle with ”inherited” bagage.  Behaviors you do not want to pass down to your children and their children.  I want to encourage you. You are not alone in this battle to live the life the Father has intended for you. You have power. Knowlege and determination.  You are not a mindless drone.  Continuing with damaging choices just because “that’s the way Mom always did it..”. 

You can do whatever it takes to be healthy. You are brave, because the Father will make you brave.  You are strong, because HE will provide the strength required to change your life. You have power as one, thanks to the power of the ONE.  Your decedents will inherit from you life skills that will bring joy and peace.  Not pain.  Your legacy will be one of beauty.  Not ugliness.

Baked Potato Soup

4 baking potatoes (about 2.5 lbs)

2/3 cup all purpose flour

6 cups 2% milk

1 cup reduced fat shredded extra sharp cheddar cheese, divided

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

1 cup reduced fat sour cream

3/4 cup chopped green onions, divided

6 bacon slices, cooked and crumbled

 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Pierce potatoes with a fork. Bake at 400 degrees for 1 hour or until tender.  Cool. Peel potatoes.  Coarsely mash.  Discard skins. 

Lightly spoon flour into a dry measuring cup, level with a knife.  Place flour in a large Dutch oven, gradually add milk, stirring with a whisk until blended. Cook over medium heat until thick and bubbly (about 8 minutes).  Add mashed potatoes, 3/4 cup cheese, salt and pepper, stirring until cheese melts.  Remove from heat. 

Stir in sour cream and 1/2 cup onions.  Cook over love heat 10 minutes or until thoroughly heated (do not boil).  Sprinkle each serving with cheese, onions and bacon.

Calories 329, fat 10.8, protein, 13.6, Carb 44.5, Fiber 2.8

Something To Think About

I saw this today on MSNBC in the Health section.  Makes sense doesn’t it?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27598392/